RYL Forums - View Single Post

Zurg · 16-01-2012, 10:31 PM

I feel like i should write a bit in this thread in the hope that it might show people that there is hope.

I have been a cutter for 15 years, half my life. I used to be really, really ill. I cut deep and i used to cut a lot. Several times each day. Spent most of my time in the A&E being patched up. But half of the time i never had wounds tended to as i didn't like to go to A&E. Everything in my life revolved around cutting. When i woke up in the morning i started to plan my first cut. Then i would cut later on too to calm down. Then i'd cut later again for same purpose. ANd when the day finally came to an end i would lie in bed and plan how and when i would cut when i woke up the next day.

I spent endless afternoons at the A&E, at my gp or wherever else they would treat my wounds. I spent endless hours tending to wounds myself. I spent an endless amount of money on steri strips, on wound bandages, on blades, on disinfectant, on everything you need when you cut.

And i never thought, NEVER, that i would ever break free from this hell. But somehow, as i started getting better, i found i could go a day without cutting. Then i could go two days. Then three and etc etc..... And without really realising i have now come to a place where i can say i haven't cut for a long time.

My arms are horribly scarred. But recently i have been told, much to my surprise, that surgery can fix it. I never dreamed it was possible to fix something this bad. But it is. And i have made an agreement with my therapy people that if i abstain from self harm for the next 6 months then they will help me to get surgery to fix the scars. And i believe i can keep my part of the agreement. This is something i would have never believed just 3 years ago. But sometimes, things change. Circumstances change. ANd sometimes you are given a second chance.

I am proof that there is a way out of this hell. I doubt anyone thought i would make it back when things were really bad. I doubt anyone thought i would ever stop cutting. But i have. I thought i didn't care about myself or how i ruined my body. But as i have gotten better i have often felt remorse for the scars i have put on myself. I started to care about myself again and i got sad that i had ruined my arms so thouroughly.

I know as well as most of you, that when you are in the middle of it, it is hard to really understand the consequences and it is hard to imagine that you'll ever reach a place in your life where you will wish for the scars to be gone. It is hard to imagine that you'll ever care about how you look again. It's hard to imagine that you might come to a place where you will have made your last cut. But i have the hope that most of you will see that day. And if you do then there might still be a possibility that you won't have to live with horrible scars for the rest of your lives....

16-01-2012, 10:31 PM	#32
Zurg Evil Emperor Join Date: Jun 2007 Location: The TARDIS I am currently:	I feel like i should write a bit in this thread in the hope that it might show people that there is hope. I have been a cutter for 15 years, half my life. I used to be really, really ill. I cut deep and i used to cut a lot. Several times each day. Spent most of my time in the A&E being patched up. But half of the time i never had wounds tended to as i didn't like to go to A&E. Everything in my life revolved around cutting. When i woke up in the morning i started to plan my first cut. Then i would cut later on too to calm down. Then i'd cut later again for same purpose. ANd when the day finally came to an end i would lie in bed and plan how and when i would cut when i woke up the next day. I spent endless afternoons at the A&E, at my gp or wherever else they would treat my wounds. I spent endless hours tending to wounds myself. I spent an endless amount of money on steri strips, on wound bandages, on blades, on disinfectant, on everything you need when you cut. And i never thought, NEVER, that i would ever break free from this hell. But somehow, as i started getting better, i found i could go a day without cutting. Then i could go two days. Then three and etc etc..... And without really realising i have now come to a place where i can say i haven't cut for a long time. My arms are horribly scarred. But recently i have been told, much to my surprise, that surgery can fix it. I never dreamed it was possible to fix something this bad. But it is. And i have made an agreement with my therapy people that if i abstain from self harm for the next 6 months then they will help me to get surgery to fix the scars. And i believe i can keep my part of the agreement. This is something i would have never believed just 3 years ago. But sometimes, things change. Circumstances change. ANd sometimes you are given a second chance. I am proof that there is a way out of this hell. I doubt anyone thought i would make it back when things were really bad. I doubt anyone thought i would ever stop cutting. But i have. I thought i didn't care about myself or how i ruined my body. But as i have gotten better i have often felt remorse for the scars i have put on myself. I started to care about myself again and i got sad that i had ruined my arms so thouroughly. I know as well as most of you, that when you are in the middle of it, it is hard to really understand the consequences and it is hard to imagine that you'll ever reach a place in your life where you will wish for the scars to be gone. It is hard to imagine that you'll ever care about how you look again. It's hard to imagine that you might come to a place where you will have made your last cut. But i have the hope that most of you will see that day. And if you do then there might still be a possibility that you won't have to live with horrible scars for the rest of your lives....