[happiness...its all a lie]

I had 3 or 4 arguments with my mum today and whist she thinks most of what she says is harmless its not it cuts deep and makes me feel awful inside. Im already in the middle of a major binge and im so triggered i want to cut but i cant ill loose my bf if i do. Hes out with his friends tonight and i wont see him til fri so part of me thinks i could do a little one and he wouldnt know but then i cant lie to him. I dont know what to do all i can think is food and cutting and easing the pain but i cant risk the cutting as id loose my bf and i love him too much. He saw an old scar the other day and i didnt realise i hadnt told him i cut my arms im so confused and scared and alone i dont know what to do. I wish i hadnt been born. Sorry its a bit mumbled i just feel like screaming