thankyou both
i didnt like the first guy, i cant say i had no idea what was going to happen when i went back, it just sort of happened.
the second guy, when he rang me, said, 'come straight to the back room' so i did, when he came in, things just happened, looking back, its all a bit of a blur, but random parts of it keep coming into my head, like im remembering it every time, and i start twitching/shuddering.
lots of people have asked me whats wrong since then, i just say nothing, im cold.
i really cant bring myself to tell anyone.
its not their fault, i led them on, i must have done something, flirted, acted suggestive or something like that.
lots of things have happened to me since i was 11, which i now realise was sexual abuse and the 'r' word. but im 20 now, i should be able to have stopped it, should of said no, should of stopped acting like a ****ing whore. thats all im ever going to be good for.
he's going to call tomorrow, and i will probably go back tomorrow. because im like that. because im stupid.because im worthless.because i will never be good for anything else.
i tried to get arrested or sectioned at a&e today, just so i could be safe.