Hi there, firstly, welcome to RYL. I hope you find the support you're looking for here.
I'm sorry to hear you're struggling so much, and about the abuse you have been suffering.
I think it's great that you've made the choice that you want to stop. Can I ask, have you thought about seeing a professional about this? Your GP or anything?
It sounds like sometimes you may need someone who's around when you're doing some form of sport to make you aware of what you're doing? A friend of mine used to sort of 'zone out' during rugby matches and he'd come to again having done something to hurt himself - run in the way of another player or drive into a group of players even though he was told to stay out of it as best he could because his shoulder would dislocate. He told his coach about this and when his coach noticed he was 'zoned out' he'd try to bring his mind back to the game as best he could - dunno if that made any sense but I just wondered if there's any way this could be possible for you?
There is also a distractions section of the main site which you might find helpful. It can be useful when the urges hit.
Please remember that you're not alone in this, and we're all here to support you.
Take care of yourself.
x Katie x
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