[bluelillies]

I joined these forums on the 1st of May 2010. Or maybe the 5th of January. I don't know if this site uses DD/MM or MM/DD. But that's beside the point. I haven't logged in since then. I think it was that I forgot about it but now I remembered it and I guess I've been thinking a lot lately and I was wondering if people could give me some advice. Or even give me some thought. Anything would be appreciated.

I'm 20 now. And I'm pretty confident. I have good friends, I do well at Uni and I'm a generally happy person.

I don't remember a lot of my bullying. I think I was oblivious to it, to be honest. I was the smart kid in primary school. And from the age of about 9-12, I was bullied. I was pretty much hated by everyone in my year and I remember hating it but I never really spoke up about it. It didn't help that my brother had his own issues at home that was formed family tension for about eight years and, as a result, I basically shut down from the world and didn't try to make a lot of friends. It was only when I started Year 7 and moved to a new school that I actually started making friends and moving on and actually talking.

I've moved on. I'm not affected by it (I think). I generally do believe in myself. But there are times when I don't have a lot of self esteem. And I'm wondering - is it an aftermath from being bullied, or does everyone feel that way?

For example, if someone near me is whispering, I automatically assume for a split second that they are talking about me. I tend to sometime believe the worst in people. Sometimes I feel like I don't deserve good things in my life - for example, a lot of people are planning trips after Uni finishes but I haven't and part of me is almost masochistically thinking that I don't deserve to go overseas. I sometimes can be a bit of a pushover and don't really stand up for myself. I'm best by myself - I do like going out and such, but I'm happiest when I'm alone.

I don't quite get it. For the most part, I'm a pretty happy person. I'm just your average 20-year-old. But I can't deny that there are times when I'm not the most confident person.

And, I don't know. Does everyone experience this? Or is it an aftermath of being bullied all those years ago?

PS. I think I used the right label for this thread. If not, or if I didn't need to, I'm sorry - I'm new to this!