Thank you all. Sarah my psychiatrist changes so often it is laughable but I do believe my social worker is trying the best she can with the options available.
Matt: I guess I'm just scared that psychology will say no and there is also a massive part of me that is scared of the consequences of them saying yes as well. I've looked a lot into the course and whilst I am more comfortable with it and less concered I think (I don't know is scared or hopeful may be a better explanation) that it is not going to work. I'm scared it won't but at the same time at least if that is the case then I don't have to deal so much with the mental backlash of doing the course. I don't know what I want....I just know I don't want *this*. I have looked at the week by week break down and it just seems so 'untailored' to me or so 'not me' it is a joke. I guess I want someone to come up with something revolutionary, or intense, however scary. I think I could be more hopeful if it was, but this course....it just doesn't seem right and I am scared at the same time it will make me resentful of mental health services. I only just got over that from my last area and it took A LOT No of emotional effort to do that. The course has not even got enough funding to offer the level of support that the course 'writers' suggest. I feel like I am actually going to lose support and help rather than anything else. I just don't know what to do. And it is not as simple as just trying everything offered because I can quite easily see the lack of individual support (i.e by losing a regular contact like my care co-ordinator who would not be replaced) as being a massive set back. I am terrified of becoming really ill again. And yes, there is the chance that won't happen....but I know myself and how I react and how I have done historically. I want to try this course in case it can help but in doing so I lose support (which is the exact opposite of what the course writer's recommend) and in trying to get well I know I will need more support to counteract the negative side. I don't know how to cope with the extra self abuse and the lack of support. I am barely coping now.
I'm scared.....Really scared. And alongside the fear from that, I have the added issues of the possibility my housing is in limbo and at any time I could be told I have to move in X months and also the wait to see what happens with uni. I always wanted to go to uni but have been 'taking time off' since March 2009. I tried to go back that year and made myself really ill again. I have applied to go back part time next month and am still waiting a decision. Whatever the result, this is going to cause a massive upheaval. If I go back then the reasons are obvious, if I don't then I am kissing goodbye to everything I ever dreamed of including the career I always wanted, forever. That may sound melodramatic but funding (and the fact I have already used some of it before 2009) means if I don't go back now then I never will and even 'well' me will have to replan everything I ever wanted. It is one thing changing your plan and adapting, it is another finding over 20 years of planning is not possible because of your mental limitations.
I am scared about everything, every possible outcome. And I feel terribly alone. I should just cope better.
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