RYL Forums - View Single Post - When you're no longer harming but you're still hurting

Mrs Sam · 27-08-2011, 07:23 AM

This is just something I heed to getcout my head. Itt will be pretty triggering. I'm sorry but it's going round like I stuck record.

Last year today was the day I tried to kill myself in hosptisl. I'd tried on the thurs night but in hindsight that was a sort of test. To see what I could get away with. I'm managed quite a lot and then got moved to a much more lax hospital so figured I'd get away with it.

Saturday morning. Sun cracking the pavements. I just couldn't cope with anything else. Family didn't know I was in there. Staff had been less than friendly. I can honestly say I truly wanted to die. It wasn't a cry for help or for attention I wanted to die. Two hours later they found me. In those two hours I remember losing conciousnes a few times but due to things I can't say on here as tip sharing when I passed out I would come back round quite quickly. I remember the feeling as vomit came out of my mouth. No control. Just lay there with it on my hair and neck and pillow. I willed it to take me but each time I woke up.

Then they found me. I'd had checks but they never came into my room. This rime they did. I thbik IRS because my breathing was funny. They broke my necklace and then told me off and said I'd have to have my door open even though I was on constant obs and they shouldn't hav closed the door in the first place. I didn't move. Didn't speak to then just lay there in my own sick.

Didn't move until my named nurse came on at 7pm who was also nurse manager. She was the only one who actually spoke to me. Checked the damage. Got a doctor to examine me. Had damaged myself but it just didn't matter. I just wanted to die. Got so chastised off people. The doctor the nurses the helpers. I just wanted to die.

I hate this memory. It's so much more graphic in my head. My heart races. I'm still so torn. Part of me thinks the change this past year imeans I'm nowhere near this place anymore but there's still this bit that would give anything to have succeeded. Why didn't they just leave me? I would have died eventually the doctor said that. I don't know what to feel.

27-08-2011, 07:23 AM	#91
Mrs Sam Nothing Special Join Date: Mar 2004 Location: UK I am currently:	This is just something I heed to getcout my head. Itt will be pretty triggering. I'm sorry but it's going round like I stuck record. Last year today was the day I tried to kill myself in hosptisl. I'd tried on the thurs night but in hindsight that was a sort of test. To see what I could get away with. I'm managed quite a lot and then got moved to a much more lax hospital so figured I'd get away with it. Saturday morning. Sun cracking the pavements. I just couldn't cope with anything else. Family didn't know I was in there. Staff had been less than friendly. I can honestly say I truly wanted to die. It wasn't a cry for help or for attention I wanted to die. Two hours later they found me. In those two hours I remember losing conciousnes a few times but due to things I can't say on here as tip sharing when I passed out I would come back round quite quickly. I remember the feeling as vomit came out of my mouth. No control. Just lay there with it on my hair and neck and pillow. I willed it to take me but each time I woke up. Then they found me. I'd had checks but they never came into my room. This rime they did. I thbik IRS because my breathing was funny. They broke my necklace and then told me off and said I'd have to have my door open even though I was on constant obs and they shouldn't hav closed the door in the first place. I didn't move. Didn't speak to then just lay there in my own sick. Didn't move until my named nurse came on at 7pm who was also nurse manager. She was the only one who actually spoke to me. Checked the damage. Got a doctor to examine me. Had damaged myself but it just didn't matter. I just wanted to die. Got so chastised off people. The doctor the nurses the helpers. I just wanted to die. I hate this memory. It's so much more graphic in my head. My heart races. I'm still so torn. Part of me thinks the change this past year imeans I'm nowhere near this place anymore but there's still this bit that would give anything to have succeeded. Why didn't they just leave me? I would have died eventually the doctor said that. I don't know what to feel.
	Something Special.