fell asleep dreaming about what I have to do tonight. feeling nothing. feeling free and numb and distant. there will be no worker to know till tomorrow afternoon by which time it will hopefully be too late. I dont wana do it to N (she is the worker who will be on) but if I had to choose between N and J, I cannot face J finding me, not after how long I have known her and how amazing she has been.
my boys i will tire out this afternoon after work... I cant have them calling out to me trying to get me to fight to come back.
I tried telling Y these plans yesterday... she didnt even listen or let me get the words out, she just walked me out. Tried telling T but we ran out of time due to doing wrap around care. I tried telling B and she told me i had to tell someone face to face but I cant anymore. she is too strong.
sorry. there is just nothing left in me right now. I had to fight myself to turn the corners as i was driving home last night so I didnt crash into anything. then driving past the train tracks.. I almost stopped, just needing to be hit by the last train of the night.
sorry. trying. just dont want to anymore.
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