I understand a lot, to a lot of what you've said. Last week I was telling my doctor how hard I was finding this semester, that I didn't think I'd make it through... she was telling me that it's the final semester of my degree - I'm 7/8 way there. But until she said it, it wasn't clear to me, yknow? And I hope for you that my asking that question has helped you consider those reasons of
why you want to get better.
As much as depression etc is a huge safety net... recovery.. getting better, those goals you have are so strong, and they deserve a chance at rising over the safety of depression.
Actually... it reminds me of something I have on my wall. I think you'll like it....
Maybe you should make something you can keep near to remind you of your reasons to keep fighting. Maybe print the picture, or write your reasons out, etc. But please don't give up.
These feelings are tough, and I understand you don't want to feel them any more. I completely understand. These thoughts are difficult, but you can get through them, I believe in you.