Oh god i havent been on facebook! Sorry my lovely i shall go check in the minute. How are you doing? ive been very stressed over all sorts.. like a huge headache.. i keep flipping out randomly its rather annoying i want my self control as im scared ill do it in public or something.. im just confused by everything like opinion or something it feels like im being constantly criticised and i just want a break. I badly want to be alone, move out but even though im 18 im not allowed and it just feels like so much stress even considering confronting my mum with it. The voices are just so harrassing and overwhelming it feels like thinking over them is just hard.
My grandad is still alive but still critical.. he'll be coming home but will be bed bound basically taking longer to go than expected.. i just feel bad as he'll come home and probably go which is good for him in that way but it wont be a dignified death i hope that doesnt sound bad. I dont want him to go at all but hes just a shadow of what he was now, he had another stroke but on his left side so his right side is bad along side his paralysed left so he cant sit up and hes even more confused.. its sad just seeing him like this... but he does know something about me.. i dont know how we have this connection but i didnt think it was two way its just random relevant comments to me between complete gibberish he's done it quite a few times like when ive gone to groups with him 'you need to talk to people, dont be ashamed of who you are' and the other day i saw him he was very out of it but looked me right in the eye and said 'you need to keep your feet on the ground' which is highly relevant.. i love him so much but it just saddens me more seeing him even more debilitated and my nan almost thrives with it (im not over reacting with this) which angers me as knowing the man he was hed be mortified by the way he is treated and i want him to not be treated like a baby as much as possible so im trying to be very restrained with how my nan is excited by how much help hell need when he comes home. If she doesnt get what she wants him to have whhether it be him being put back on his meds making him very out of it or having this peg put in (a tube going into the stomach where food will be administered directly) despite 3 professional doctors saying its not necessary and inhumane shes still running around doctor to doctor to have it put in and i know thats because it looks dramatic. So i am really trying not to be honest and angry with her as i know shes his carer and does an amazing job but she wont be happy unless his or her health is getting her lots of attention and this has gotten worse i could put up with it before but now im struggling with it as i just dont understand it.
So its all just confusing really and frustrating but im hopefully having told tmy care co and with the med increase ill be able to be more rational and things will get back on track i hope youre ok hun im thinking of you too xxx
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