[Sefka]

I want to chuck my blades away. Razor blades are easy because although I sometimes rely on them, I also really, REALLY hate them. But then I’ve got this penknife/multitool thing that I’ve used for SH a lot.


My current counsellor is awesome, she’s never told me to stop or asked me to get rid of my blades. And when I told her last week that I was thinking about it, she just said something like ‘whether you do it or not, this feels like a genuine change for the better.’


When my first counsellor asked me to throw them away, I told her I didn’t want to because the penknife had sentimental value. That’s true – it was my leaving present when I left the UK to go and work overseas. It’s been with me in Russia, Japan, Slovakia, China, Vietnam and now Italy. I guess I’ve become a bit attached. But it does have this really negative significance now. And if I’m honest, it’s not much good as a multitool anymore because the blade’s kind of blunt, there’s rust on some parts and a weird goo around the hinges.


On Monday I’m moving from Italy to the UK and I want to leave the multitool (and all its associations) behind. I’ve been feeling so much better recently, the counselling has been working and I think I can manage without SH. But there’s this little nagging doubt in my mind – what if I need it again. What if I have to use it one more time? It feels like such a final step… but it could be a really positive step towards not self-harming again.


I’ve got about 30 hours to decide. I think I want to leave it here, but I don’t know if I’m brave enough.


Any thoughts are very welcome
xx