I'm scared to go to sleep because i'm scared that i'll wake up. I hate trying to force myself out of my bed, I keep putting my alarm forward in the hope that time will go backwards and I won't have to put on my face and get on with daily life. Life means nothing to me. It's not for me. I was never supposed to even be born. I am in some kind of limbo between life and death and i'm sure that right now I am closer to death than I am to life. It would only take a few steps and i'd be gone. Sure, I don't know what death holds and it might even be worse than this but I can't sit around and do nothing. I can't seem to move forward with life so I have to move forward with death. The only thing that is stopping me is that I don't want my brother to be left alone in the world. He'll end up feeling like me. But sometimes the suicidal feelings are so strong that I just cannot cope with them and I have to take action. Cutting doesn't help any more. Overdosing sometimes helps but i'm worried that soon i'll have all of my medication taken off me because i've overdosed so many times. I got a letter through this morning from my GP saying that they got a letter from psychiatry and could I come in to discuss it. They better not take me off my antidepressants because I really need them. It's my anxiety tablets that I abuse mainly, they don't work but i'm not going to tell anyone because they will take them off me. Sometimes when I haven't taken them for a while I feel a little buzz when I start to take them again. Maybe I could ask for my dose to be increased but I doubt that they'd trust me enough to do that.
I want to live in a constant state of overdose, where nothing matters and nothing is real but i'm having to take more and more tablets to get the same effect and it's getting dangerous. I don't care if it kills me (except for hurting my brother of course) and I don't care if I get physically ill. There must be some tablet that I can take that will make the world seem better without having to overdose on it. I've tried so many different antidepressants though. Fluoxetine gave me a weeks high. It was amazing. I was taken off it and when I went back on it I felt high for a day. I'd like to go back on it and see if I could extend the effects somehow.
If only my brother would die. I pray every night and every morning that he will die. There are going to be difficult times for him and I won't be able to cope with his suffering. It's all about me. I'm so selfish. This feeling is really intense and hard to live with. Since i've been diagnosed with BPD people have started treating me differently, like I bring on my problems myself. When I go to hospital the doctors sometimes belittle what I am saying and treat me like an idiot. I want to keep going to the hospital though. It is part of the journey of overdosing and I want to savour every moment of it. I can't stay at home when I overdose because I act really strange because I am so out of it and my brother would notice. When he goes to uni I will be free to do what I want. The crisis team think that my bad spells have something to do with my brother becuase they thought I was alright while he was away at college but I wasn't. I was just going to bed really early to get away from life and crying myself to sleep. I couldn't be bothered telling anyone how I was feeling because it would take up energy that I didn't have.
My brother tried to kill himself once, it broke my heart because it is one of my worst nightmares. I think i'm owed a suicide attempt because he got one. I'll do it properly. There must be something I can put in place to make this easier for him. People die all of the time, you just have to cope with it. Our Mum died and he coped with it. Our Dad died and he coped with it. But I was there for him. Who will be there for him when I die?
I so badly want to go and watch the trains. Just watch them and feel them. Take that step forward and see what comes afterwards.
Sorry that this is long and probably irrelevant but I feel so lost and alone.
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