[insidemyhead]

Today i told my care co my concerns with my diagnosis.. which is complex ptsd and the voices etc were triggered by the trauma... (the one when i was 15) but i heard voices and saw things for years before. We got onto this because she had to fill in my dla statement for my mum. So i said 'i dont understand how they were caused by the trauma if i had them before..' and explained how i tried telling my doctor and what not this in the hospital and that they just pushed it to the side like it didnt matter. She took this on board asked me if i told my doctor.. who i saw yesturday i said no because i was scared she wouldnt believe me because of the fear of what is written in that discharge letter- i mentioned this in another thread. The doctor at the hospital gave me real chills not in a paranoid way but i just didnt want to be associated with him.. hes one of those people where your head just goes 'i dont like you i dont want to be around you' when you only just met them. He was manipulative and harshand liked causing chaos (like deliberate bringing up of something etc and this is truth not just head stuff as others witnessed it i.e. my psychologist confirmed it so it wasnt in my head). So im really worried about what will be said/done. My care co said she agreed something wasnt right as i did say im scared they'll think im self absorbed for thinking that its not right... but she eased me. I am just really worried now..

Im seeing my doctor in a month anyway as she is increasing my medication.. i dont trust her yet.. she is very doctor like you know- oh her grandad is dying thats why shes stressed/bad when actually i was quite bad before that. I dont know her yet though as it was the first session i was alone with her yesturday as before people i didnt know or trust were in the room with me. So it may improve with her.. i just need to get over my fears of whats in that lettter and what her initial thoughts of me are. I have the fortunate advantage that my care co is communicating with her and explained her concerns before my appointment and im sure that will continue im glad i have this one as my old one didnt see me or even bother with me wheras my new one takes me seriously and hears me and isnt burnt out and has good experience apparently. Its due to her my meds are being upped... which im not happy about but it shows theyre doing something.

I asked if i could write her a letter but now that she said yes im worried about doing it. Incase it changes things.. im just worried about every step right now and what will they do if they think my diagnosis is wrong? Ive never had a proper assessment anyway but i just dont know and im really worried if the doctor turns round and says those things that my care co will believe her and just wind up hating me. I mentioned it because im risky and being stupid with behaviour and what not and im just fed up living like this.. you know rational periods of time maybe a few months then huge massive bad episode that lasts ages and takes longer to recover and then it starts again... i just want to get things sorted i want my life to get back on track. I just needed to air this and whether anyone sort of knows what happens if there is a suspected wrong diagnosis.. because as much as i want the help i dont want a worse label... i really dont things are bad enough my mum is disappointed just because my meds are being upped! (you see she forbid me showing emotion or anything recently this happens she just wasnt happy about it)

Im just tired of everything really im sorry for posting again