[one_step_closer]

There are three men in my head who sometimes control me. Right now they are planning on killing my brother and I don't feel like i'll be able to stop them unless I kill myself before they get to my brother. I know that they have power and control because they tried to kill me once and I only managed to regain control after I was seriously unwell. Part of me thinks that I am looking for an excuse to kill myself because life hurts so much and I hae no interest in living but there is a small part of me that wants to get through this with both me and and my brother safe. The only way I can think of that happening is if I were to be admitted to hospital until I feel more in control but my psychiatrist has put in my management plan that hospital isn't helpful for me and shouldn't be considered 'unless my circumstances change.' I don't know if this would count as a change in my circumstances because I was on a medical ward last week because I overdosed and the men had presented me with what they are going to do so I told the psychiatrist who assessed me and he sent me home.

It looks like i'm just going to have to kill myself, but I feel calm about it. I spoke to the crisis team tonight and they made me promise them that i'll be safe for the rest of the night but that's all. I'm not going to be safe for much longer. I have to do this for both me and my brother but any other suggestions would be welcome because I don't want to leave my brother without a family.