No worries about not posting much. You're clearly going through a really rough patch. Number one priority needs to be YOU right now. And hey, never apologise for giving hugs. I still swear that they have a magical healing power :)
It sounds like you're living with a pretty much constant frenzy of suicidal thoughts. That must be really distressing. I do seriously hope though that these remain just thoughts. Is there somebody with whom you can discuss these thoughts and how to reduce, or just cope, with them? Are you getting any professional support? I don't know if you're on medication but some anti-depressants can work wonders with this type of constant suicidal thinking. I know it's hard to not contemplate what comes after death but the truth is that we just don't know. What we DO know is that death is pretty much as final as things get and so PLEASE don't give in to any of your thoughts. Try not to focus on the unknown but instead on ways to get better. How are things this evening? If these thoughts continue to grow or get too overwhelming, then please call nhs direct, or a helpline, or go to a&e. The most important thing is keeping you safe xx
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