RYL Forums - View Single Post

sleepykitty · 03-07-2011, 01:26 PM

I had some good moments yesterday, but the night was so long. I was in and out of sleep and when I did sleep I had torturous dreams, which left me devastated on waking. This morning was yet another where I couldn't get out of bed. The only thing that got me up in the end was the driving hunger (thanks Seroquel) and the knowledge that I'd get a migraine if I didn't eat soon.

I want to hurt myself. I have all the tools needed. I want to send myself off into a dreamless sleep. I want this to be over. I'm sick of it. I've been here, done this, so many bloody times before. If I tell anyone about how I'm feeling, I'll be straight back into hospital. I can't go in again. It'd be my seventh admission. I already had ECT in March, which helped for a very short period. I'm practically maxed out on the doses of meds I'm on, so the psychiatrist can't increase them much. I'm taking 14 pills at night. This isn't life. It's clinging on to existence with the aid of chemicals.

The only thing holding me back is knowing how my parents would react. I've been blessed with understanding parents, who have loved me and stuck by me through all of this. When I'm an inpatient, they visit me, bring me in clothes, cigarettes and every other whimsy I request. I can't do this to them. So what do I do? Eke out existence from day to day? Torture myself with the wish to end it all when I know I can't do it to them? The only thing I can do is hurt myself. It doesn't effect anyone else, just me. And other than that, spend my days in bed, getting up from time to time so my housemates don't suspect.

I'm sorry for the rant. I just need to vent, and I can't say this to anyone IRL.

03-07-2011, 01:26 PM	#4
sleepykitty Join Date: Jul 2011 Location: London I am currently:	I had some good moments yesterday, but the night was so long. I was in and out of sleep and when I did sleep I had torturous dreams, which left me devastated on waking. This morning was yet another where I couldn't get out of bed. The only thing that got me up in the end was the driving hunger (thanks Seroquel) and the knowledge that I'd get a migraine if I didn't eat soon. I want to hurt myself. I have all the tools needed. I want to send myself off into a dreamless sleep. I want this to be over. I'm sick of it. I've been here, done this, so many bloody times before. If I tell anyone about how I'm feeling, I'll be straight back into hospital. I can't go in again. It'd be my seventh admission. I already had ECT in March, which helped for a very short period. I'm practically maxed out on the doses of meds I'm on, so the psychiatrist can't increase them much. I'm taking 14 pills at night. This isn't life. It's clinging on to existence with the aid of chemicals. The only thing holding me back is knowing how my parents would react. I've been blessed with understanding parents, who have loved me and stuck by me through all of this. When I'm an inpatient, they visit me, bring me in clothes, cigarettes and every other whimsy I request. I can't do this to them. So what do I do? Eke out existence from day to day? Torture myself with the wish to end it all when I know I can't do it to them? The only thing I can do is hurt myself. It doesn't effect anyone else, just me. And other than that, spend my days in bed, getting up from time to time so my housemates don't suspect. I'm sorry for the rant. I just need to vent, and I can't say this to anyone IRL.