[sleepykitty]

This, for me, is the hardest time of day. Everyone else has gone to bed, and I'm pacing my bedroom trying to talk myself out of doing things I'll regret. I'm trying to use the tips I learnt on a recent CBT course, but they're not helping. I've taken my 14 bedtime pills. They're supposed to keep my head clear and free of these thoughts.

I don't want to have to go back into hospital. I want to be able to deal with this on the outside. I can feel myself spiralling downwards though. Asking myself the same questions. Is this it? Is this the life I get? How did I end up at this point? And there are the shallower questions too. How will I cover my scars at my friends wedding next month? How well will I lie to my parents next time I see them?

Sorry for the barrage. I thought it might help to vent. I just need to go to sleep and give my brain a break for a few hours. It's strange that it's so difficult to go to bed, when it's equally hard to get out of it in the morning.