Heya. I can't really help much but thought I'd reply anyway.
I can definitely relate to the parasuicidal stuff. For me I describe it like I go into 'self-destruct' mode. It's like I just stop caring about the consequences of what I do - I'm not actively trying to kill myself generally (although the thoughts are there) but it doesn't bother me if I harm myself a lot, and I get very strong impulses.
Part of the problem is that once you get into that cycle it's very difficult to break out of it. Sometimes it's important to really force yourself to do helpful things. I don't mean that to sound patronising, 'cos obviously no one can tell you what to do or not do. But I find I have to force myself consciously to get rid of pills or food when I'm in that mindset, or I have to force myself to get up and go to uni (well, used to) or try and go to bed at a reasonable time (even if to just rest or read or something rather than sleep).
Hopefully the CBT will help but don't be scared of getting more help if you need it, 'cos in the end however much you don't want it it's better than falling into a really bad state of mind and being unable to get out of it. And do call NHS Direct if you need to. There doesn't have to be any drama (call them from a location they can't trace if you're scared of that aspect), but they are there to help.
Anyways, this isn't very helpful, sorry. But if there's anything I can do to help just say. x
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