Thanks for the replies. It turns out he did update my notes and sent a message to my care co-ordinator as well. I guess I don't want her to know because I had lied to her in order because part of me wanted less 'supervision'. I know that is stupid but I am really struggling to figure out what is right and what isn't. I am ok. Most of the time I just about manage. I guess I am scared of talking to her because some of the things I think and feel just seem so weird and I am not used to them but at the same time I am supposed to be strong, supposed to be moving forwards properly for the first time in ages. I don't understand how for a large part of time I can feel down (I hesitate to say depressed) but still coping a lot better than before and yet at the same time I am having periods where I literally feel like I am 'losing the plot'. Like I don't even know what is real and what is not. I don't feel in danger from self harm etc which is what I can just about cope with. Instead other people and forces seem to take over and I can't control them and they are trying to hurt me. At the same time that clashes with my self harm thoughts. If other people want to harm me then why stop them and be scared? The answer? I don't know. All I know is it challenges reality too much and I don't know how to cope with it. I hate feeling out of control.
I don't know if this is part of 'recovery' or whether that is a lie in itself or whether I am going mental, or maybe I just have a special mission in life. I know that sounds 'crazy' but I've always been 'different'. What if I am supposed to unlock a truth nobody else, or very few others can? But if I am WRONG then I could do something really bad. I am pretty sure I am wrong. I must be. Surely that should make all this easier to decipher and silence though but it doesn't! I don't know what I should be doing.
All I know is that my 'care co-ordinator' and more than half of my friends and family think I am doing so well in some respects. I'm not going to act on the thoughts. I am scared though that they will take over. I don't even mind as such. Well I do. I think. I'm not sure. I just want to be certain. I Hate this.
See....then I move back to the self destructive thoughts. None of it makes sense. I am supposed to be 'taking responsibility' and getting better. How can I screw it up? Why can't I do what everyone wants?
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