so right this minute i'm wide awke (accidentally switched off during day while reading at slept around 4 hours 2 til 6...) seriously where and when i sleep is fucked up.
i get ridicolously tired during day and give in by accident when i relax, yet at night sometimes i sleep ok but half the time it's either really fragmented or filled with vivid graphic dreams. and whether i have bad or good night doesnt match up with how much i've slept during day sometimes just switch off. so i'm pissed off bout that.
but worse i'm feeling kind of crazy. feeling hard wired, urgey, seeing bad things to do in my minds eye. thinking about them and now. wondering. wondering if when one of my main reasons to not self harm is gone (so my parents dont get told/ notice how bad stuff is / get worried) when i go to uni if i'll go back to it. Cos i have other reasons like you dont need to be punished, you'll feel bad afterwards, it dangerous you're doing well etc. but that one is the one that has stopped me going over the edge many times because it has made hurting myself badly almost 'not possible' as if i had to go to hospital it would be too complicated they'd notic ei'd gone, notice aftermath etc. i knid of think/ dream about it a bit. so can i be strong when i'm somewhere people dont know/ it's easier to hide?
weird midnight freakout maybe just with the images and thoughts flashing through my head i'm not feeling overly safe.
but i know i'm not going to kill myself right?
I know i might really want to but i won't. i got reasons to live.
a friend who only has my best interests at heart (one who took me to docs right at beginning) was persuading me to continue counselling at least til i go to uni said something. i said (in relation to suicide)' i really want to sometimes but i know i'm not going to.' she said ' you don't know that'.
4 little words that brung doubt back in my mind. i got really defensive and the thought of it upset me. only way i keep fighting this thoughts some days is to tell myself i couldnt do it to my family, i'm not going to do it. not positive stuff a bout my life just that now it feels like that certainty that i can keep going might not be there.
so yeah middle of the night fear, emotional ramble sorry
x
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