I don't know why I'm writing now and I'll probably delete this later but I guess I have just reached my breaking point.
When I originally set myself a suicide date it was for the 8th of June, a day I ended up seeing my psychiatrist and telling him everything that was going on. I got through most of the day in a semi-happy state until after my maternal grandparents and my mother had left our house. Suddenly the mood just began to drop like a stone. No hunger. No thirst. Food has no taste and unpleasant textures and colour is fading to black and white. I don't know why this is happening nor how to get relief. It just feels like I am dying inside and only able to hurt the people I love.
My suicide date has been pushed back until after my 3 years SI free milestone day but there is a large part of me that wants to either bring it forward, or forget about it altogether and just get on and do it. The problem I guess is that it would be so easy to do. I can't handle the mental pain right now and am just at a loss. My psychiatrist wanted to wait another 2 weeks before taking action to see if my mood would settle down. I agreed (and still agree) with his logic but I am now in a position where I just quite simply don't know what to do.
My fiance wants me to email my psychiatrist tomorrow if things remain this bad and to ask for guidance. Whilst I logically know that this is the right thing to do I'm continuously asking myself "what's the point?" I was able to see a future and now there is nothing there but black and darkness. I don't know what to do. I don't know where to go. I don't know if there is any help for me out there and cannot even articulate what I am going through and don't know what I need.
We are going to a wedding tomorrow and I'm scared to go in the state that I am in. All I really want to do is lock all the doors and keep everyone but my fiance out. I don't want to see people and I don't want to talk to people. I can't handle even the simplest of things. I just feel like such a failure. I've been asking myself a lot lately why I am even bothering to keep going and to be perfectly honest, I can't answer that question. Maybe I should just give up.
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