Hi there!
First can I say that depression is not a simple thing. It does not happen "just because you've had a bad life." Many people suffer from depression for a number of reasons, but moreso you do not need a "reason" to be depressed. Personally, there have been times in my life where I have been achieving great things in my education, been surrounded by people who love and care about me and have had a loving home to go to and still found it difficult to get out of bed or carry on with normal life. Equally, there have been times in my life where I have not known where my next meal was coming from, have lived in an enviroment where I did not feel safe and had no clue what I was going to do with my life, and actually felt ok with myself and like I could deal with these things. You do not have to "have something wrong" to be depressed, so to speak.
Secondly, I agree with Stellata that anxiety seems to be a problem you are dealing with, and could possibley be a trigger for your depression. Have you spoken to your doctor about the anxiety you are dealing with?
I'm glad that you say that you are better than you were, this is a positive step and you should see it as such. Congratulate yourself on stepping away from those dark times and be proud of yourself that you were able to do that.
Also, again, I agree with Stellata that it might be an idea to seak some form of talking therapy and perhaps a change of medication. Simpley put, medication is a good way to allow yourself to step out of the darkest bits of depression (as you have done) but it does not solve the root cause of depression. I understand that this may be a difficult step for you to take considering your anxiety of talking to a stranger and your previus experience with such therapy. However, I would still urge you to seriously consider this option. Many proffesionals have themselves suffered from depression/mental health isssues or have great experience in dealing with these issues sensitivley and with understanding. Remember that they are there to help you, and that is all. They are there to help you feel better about yourself, and you are always in control of that situation. You will not be forced to do anything you do not want to and you always have the ability to say "no" or end the therapy at anytime you wish.
Can I finally add that the problems you are facing do not make you "crazy". The fact is that everyone has mental health just as everyone has physical health, and in the same respect sometimes people suffer from mental health problems. What you are feeling and the things that are going on are not a reflection of you as a person and you should try to see this. Depression is an illness, and it does not define you as a person.
I truly hope that you can build upon your recovery, if you need anything know that I am just a PM away.
Sarah
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