[lost-in-nowhere]

Hi everyone,

Sorry to be posting pretty much the same as the other day, but I need to get it out.

I'm really struggling at the moment, I'm feeling really depressed and it's been getting so much worse over the last few days. I've been an absolute cow to work with, I've been irrational, angry, snappy or otherwise working in complete silence, pretty much blanking everyone (I'm a chef so we should be working as a team, I shouldn't be snapping) During the quiet times my thoughts have been full of self harm and suicide, I've been imagining my suicide in my head even though I know I wont do it because I could never do that to my daughter, but I know how I'd do it, when etc and it scares me that I'm thinking this way.

I'm sure it's the stupid epilepsy drugs I'm on thats causing it, I was depressed years ago before my daughter was born and I used small OD's as SH, but I was diagnosed with mild epilepsy a few years ago and the meds have dragged me down again. Last year I was put on lamotrigine and it made me moody and I started cutting, told my neuro and was changed to sodium valproate which made me put on weight and my hair started falling out but mentally I felt OK on that, been changed to keppra (levetiracetam) and now I am so depressed I just want to die. Not going to see neuro for another month now and I feel so crap at the moment I just want to quit the meds, but you can't just stop epilepsy meds. I'm going to tell my neuro I want out of the meds all together, I've tried 4 now and they all make me feel like crap adn she said she didn't want to put me on any of the other epilepsy meds. The seizures I was having were nothing compared to feeling so depressed, it's stupid. I'd rather give up my driving licence forever and keep having seizures if it means that I don't cut myself up or plan my own suicide all the time.

Argh. I've had enough of it and I've got no one to talk to, my family wouldn't take me seriously (they brushed off my OD when I was younger as attention seeking) and I only have one friend and I'm not close enough to her to talk to her about this kind of thing.

Ugh, I'm going to go to bed now and try and get my head together, got loads of coursework to do tomorrow and I can't get my head round it at the moment.

Sorry for the rant x