[when.will.it.end]

Thank you. I've edited my part, please let me know what you think:

I would just like to add that this letter makes me incredibly anxious but I do agree with everything it says; I’m just not strong enough to say it. I’m extremely reluctant to be as frank about the situation as my Mum has been because I am aware that you are all essentially good people who are trying to help; I don’t think it’s a lack of good will on anyone’s part that things haven’t been more effective. After some of the previous experiences I’ve had with professionals and with men/people throughout my childhood, professionals being humane with me is still a shock and I have a hard time processing the idea that anyone would want to help rather than hurt me. These core beliefs weaken my ability to see the situation clearly; I’m so busy being grateful that you all haven’t manipulated, abused or neglected me that I am inclined to overlook any other problems there might be just to make the situation as easy as possible for everyone concerned. At the heart of it all I do not think I deserve any care, attention or help so asking for it feels often impossible even if it actually is my right. I am blinded by confusion and gratitude. However, I think relaying the events in black and white shows that there have been mistakes with very serious consequences.

My Mum is most definitely an anxious Mother who is terrified about the fact her daughter ended up on life support, understandably, but I don’t think this (or her own difficulties) have affected her ability to see the situation clearly. If I had the strength or ability to step back from the situation I am sure I would be saying the same. I’m very grateful for her support in this.

I am exhausted. It’s becoming clear that my often indifferent attitude to the severity of my experiences and current health, along with the dissociation, is literally necessary to survive emotionally day to day. I have no idea how to process flashbacks, insomnia, the current intense issues with my Dad & sister and the fact I ended up sedated in Intensive Care for four days with no clear explanation or anything to prevent it from happening again. As I play down the reality of my daily life perhaps I’ll be able to write clearly here: I suffer constant flashbacks (in various forms) of rape, abuse and the like; I am continually exhausted from lack of sleep, food and the energy it takes to maintain emotional stability during these flashbacks; more often than not I’m too dissociated to retain any awareness of time, place or person and I’m plagued by obsessive ideas that I’m completely worthless and undeserving. I have vivid nightmares every night and as far as I can tell all night whilst I’m briefly resting enough to be more asleep than awake. The events of my childhood are replayed in my current life with the situation with my Dad and sister as I stand back and watch my sister develop the ideas I now can’t get rid off and express self hatred, whilst being completely powerless to protect her as much as she deserves, despite all my efforts. The knock on effect of all of this is that I am determined to control my body, as I seem to have so little control in everything else in my life, through food and weight loss yet here I am, as fat as ever. I watch my Mum suffer and even though she is so strong and does amazingly well to protect me and support me the way she does I still know and it hurts. To add to this not being able to control my consciousness and being vulnerable to the constant risk this entails in a traumatic way to live in itself. I lot has happened in this past year. Having said all of this I hope my intent and effort to recover is clear although I can’t prove this adequately in this letter.

I’m happy to be challenged effectively. If there is anything that I could immediately do differently that would be of benefit to my health then please say so, so we can discuss it properly.

I am intensely aware of the typical power imbalance professional/patient relationships and how I am in an extremely vulnerable position, very open to potential manipulation. I’ve seen it and experienced it before and I have no intention of it happening again. For example if something isn’t working with the patient, the professional gets offended that their efforts and knowledge aren’t enough and turns it round on the patients lack of ability to work with what’s there regardless of how appropriate it is. I am not saying that any of you would do this but it’s what I’m scared of. Actually, Dr.Wright I think you manage that power dynamic extremely well and I don’t feel vulnerable with you in that way at all; I’m yet to find a way to articulate what this means to me.

I’m at a loss as to how to deal with all of this. I’m sort of in shock as to how anyone expects me to deal with these events unguided. I don’t understand why this wasn’t explored with more depth after Chapel Allerton and something was not put in place then. I feel in the middle of frequent outpatient appointments, trying to explain myself to each individual clearly, despite the barriers of dissociation, stress, panic, pure exhaustion etc. I think that each professional has a certain role and there isn’t anyone seeing the whole picture. I know everyone has made an effort to convert with each other but I’m left in the middle of it all. I also think with having more than one person involved, and nobody especially co-ordinating the overall care, it is very easy for responsibility to be passed from professional to professional without conclusive direction. I’m trying to take that role myself but it’s too much and I don’t think it’s appropriate. I feel quite isolated as a result. I’m trying hard but there are things that no matter how much psychological skill, will power and behavioural effort I exercise, I simply cannot manage alone.

I think it would be logical and beneficial for me to maintain a therapeutic relationship with one appropriate professional who can then liaise on my behalf, therefore reducing the amount of appointments I have so that I can focus on that relationship and that professional is able to withhold responsibility. I think this professional needs to be someone who has knowledge and experience in the problems I have and has access to outside referrals. I also think it is essential that therapeutic boundaries are maintained and respected. For a number of reasons (which I can explain further if needed) I think Dr. Wright is currently the most appropriate person for this role. If I’m involved with any other professional directly then the purpose must be clear and direct. I also think that it is vital that there is a stronger and more comprehensive understanding of my overall presentation and needs. From here a direct plan towards recovery should be made.

I should not have had to go through what I experienced in Intensive Care and frankly, I deserve better.


Thanks for reading,



Katie.