[x-mixedemotions]

MAY CAUSE TRIGGERS FOR MOST THINGS. TAKE CARE WHILE READING.



Chapter 7
'Dear Laura'

I sigh deeply as I look at my clock once again. Not even a minute of sleep has passed for me this one dark night. I heard my dad and brother come in from the hospital with Craig and Kelly, they were all whispering and hushing eachother as they took the little ones to bed. Someone opened my bedroom door, took a step in my room and went back out again, closing the door behind me earlier on in the night. I didn't bother to look who, i figured that it might be better to pretend to be asleep so there wouldn't be any questions asked or reasons wanted. At least not for now.
After another hour or so of lying in my bed I finally give up, turn my lamp on and take out a couple of school books and my pencil case and do some work, or "revision" as they like to call it. Of course, not alot of "revision" is being done by me, not with everything thats been happening. After about ten minutes of doing some homework I hear my phone beep so I reach into my bag, get it out and look to see who it's from; it shows as "Chris". What's my brother doing texting me at five o'clock in the morning? I think to myself as i press read. 'Hi sis. on my way to work, just letting you know it was me that came in your room, i know you heard me. i left an envelope on the floor by your wardrobe. its got a letter in it, you should read it. love you x'. I look over to my wardrobe and sure enough, theres an envelope neatly proped up against it. I get out of bed and get it, opening it as i crawl back into bed.

Dear Laura
Its Lucy. I hope its okay that I'm writing this to you. As i'm getting bigger i'm becoming more restricted to what I can- and cant- do. Writings one thing I can do. And alot of the time, it's what I can do well. I can't wait until this baby comes out. Did you know its only 1 and a bit weeks now? It's gone so quickly! Anyway, enough expectant mother talk.
Theres a reason to why i'm writing this. Chris has spoke with me about what's happened, obviously as i'm part of the family in a way, I know everything anyway. But he recently told me about your self-harming. Your dad told him apparently, because he was worried that you were going to do it again at this tough time. And I wanted to write to you about it. I hope that's okay with you. If you want to throw this away now, feel free to. Just remember i'm not against you here.
Well as you know I'm adopted. It was pretty hard to get used to the idea when I was told at eighteen, can you believe that was only two years ago? I've never found my real parents. I guess thats a good thing, my mum and dad (or the mum and dad that i've grown up with) are lovely people and apparently my real mum still refuses to want anything to do with me. I guess thats part of life hey? Anyway. It was hard growing up, I didnt look anything like my brother or sister- Sandy and Jim's biological son and daughter. I wasn't sure where I came from, I believed I was just the odd one, the ugly duckling if you wish to call it that. I turned to all the wrong things to get rid of the insecurities. Looking back, I think I knew that I wasn't their real daughter, but in a way in denial. How could I not be theirs?. I turned to drugs and alcohol. I developed an eating disorder and I was diagnosed with depression when I was fifteen. I kept having major mood swings, I had serious anger managment issues and eventually, i began to hate myself even more because on one drunken, drugged up night I punchedd Sandy and she ended up in hospital. Yes- thats how bad things got.
I got attacked one night when I was walking home drunk. I don't remember much of it, I just remember something sharp hitting the back of my head and then waking up in the hospital. I was attacked and raped by two guys. They hit me with a rock in the back of my head before taking all my money, my phone, the alcohol i had on me and raping me. They left me there, to die basically. That was the night I met your brother- I admit i don't remember it so i can't exactly say it was love at first sight..... He found me down that alleyway and called an ambulance. If he hadn't of stumbled accross me, I could of died.
I turned to cutting after that happened. I couldn't deal with the thought that someone would do that do me. The cutting got pretty serious, I ended up in hospital for it twice and thats when Sandy and Jim found out. They were devasted, they didn't know how to help me or what to say to make me feel better. The more they told me to stop doing it, the more I did it. I'm not sure i'll ever be "recovered" from cutting. But I know things have got so much easier, I mean look at me. I'm loved up with your brother, we have our own place and even a baby on the way. I'm living proof that things do get easier. If it wasn't for your brother, I wouldn't be here now. He's the one that convinced me I could get over the cutting.
Laura, i'm not going to tell you not to do it. But before you do think carefully, think to yourself- why am i doing this? then call someone if you need to talk. You can always call me. You can always come round at any time you want (we all know that once this little one is here i'm not going to get much sleep). I'm practically your older sister now. So please take advantage of that.
Why did I write this letter? I thought maybe if you knew of the things that I went through, you might start to see that people recover from cutting and that no matter how hard things get, they always get better.
Your brother loves you immensly, not a day goes by where he doesn't bring up your name. At least once a week he brings up a story about what you and him got up to when you were younger. He loves you so much, Laura. He wants to help but he's scared that he's going to make it worse. He might be able to understand more than you think. Remember how your mum and dad treated him? It wasn't much different to how your mums treated you.
Please stay strong chick, okay? Always remember you have people around you that love you. Your better than the voice in your mind that tells you your worthless and deserve to feel pain. Remember that you can get better, you just have to see you need it and ask the right people. You can do this, but no one can do it for you.
Love you 'sis'. Lucy xxx

I put down the letter and look at my arm. I cry to myself for a while as I think about everything Lucy had been through. How I had no idea. I always thought that she was a really happy, outgoing person. It feels as though some sort of weight has been lifted from my shoulders. It helps to know i'm not the only one to have felt like- and acted on- the "voice". But I know one thing, I don't need help for it. It's not bad, the cutting.
I get out of bed and get changed into some clothes, put some jeans on and some trainers and then walk out of the house, closing the door behind me. And I start walking. With the letter going around in my head, everything that Lucy had been through. All that had happened with her. Then it changes to what I said to mum, what i said to dad and Chris. Then what mum said to me on that night. That horrible night. It was cold and it was wet. She didn't have any shoes on. She was dripping wet. But she didn't care. She just wanted to rip into me and say all those things to me. She went out of her way to get to that flat. Did she plan it? she couldn't of. She would of had shoes on. And maybe she might of had an umbrella. Maybe she really didn't mean to say all those things? maybe she honestly doesn't hate me?
Half an hour ticks by and its started to get light now and there are more cars on the road. I stop at a cross road and look each way that I can go. I can go straight up and go to the hospital to wait for opening hours. I can go left and go and see Lucy and talk to her. I can go right and just keep walking until I come to another crossroad and another decision. Or I can turn around and walk back home. I chose right; walking sounds good.
I get lost in thought again, about times when I was younger. With me and Chris opening presents at Christmas time. Or like when he pushed me down a water slide into a paddling pool and I cried and cried because I didn't want to go in there yet because I wanted to get myself prepared for the freezing cold water. Or like the time where I dared him to ride his bike down a bill hill and into some stinging nettles and when he did, he had me in stitches as he was running around screaming 'they itch they itch'. And one night I woke up becuase I thought there was a witch under my bed that was trying to take my plaster of my toe and I made Chris search under it and take everything out from under it. Of course he didn't find anything, but it put my mind at rest and I peacefully slept that night in his arms as I refused to sleep on my own. Each memory that pops up makes me smile.
I stop at another cross road and finally decide where I'm going. I go right and then take a left and I find myself stood outside my school. I wait sat on the pavement for Mrs Bower to turn up and when she finally does, I beg her to call Chris
"Please I need to talk to him but he's at work and he won't come back for me so if you call him and say i'm here he might come and take me to his house. I need to clear things up and ask him questions. Please. It will be the last thing I ever ask you to do" I plead with her and she nods, calls Chris and makes me a cup of tea and a piece of toast. He turns up not long after and takes me back to his house where we talk about our childhood and growing up. We come to the conclusion that maybe it wasn't as bad as it could of been. Lucy interupts us after a while as she comes running in with some unexpected yet very much welcome news for us. The babies on its way!