I understand the fear and the shame and confusion. I know more now what causes states like that in me. The reasons are complicated, partly due to having been abused, and feeling powerless, partly due to not having been safely educated about emotions in a healthy way, and having a whole bunch of rage and anger about a whole bundle of stuff, past and present, internal and external.
It's best to take these kinds of struggles to your work with a counsellor or psychotherapist, though, as you really do need help managing them and understanding how things are for you.
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