It sounds like you've got a lot of pressure on your to not cut. Could you maybe talk to your Mom and tell her that all this pressure is hard? Maybe you could just tell your Mom that you've had a relapse (which, unfortunately, often happens in recovery) but that you want to work to stop again. Just telling her that you've had a little slip up but want her support in getting back to a "healthy" state (assuming this is true).
You also mentioned that you want to die - have you gone to see a counsellor about this? I'm very sorry you're feeling this way - I hope you can work everything out soon. Please PM me if you ever need to talk.
Take care and stay strong.
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