I want and need people to be honest, and to take me seriously.
I don't want to have to argue with my doctor about being aspergers because every blasted person I've seen for years comes to that conclusion without me having to bring it up!
They don't want me diagnosed?? What the hell's with that.
But worse yet, if they say I'm not worth diagnosing, then my ****ing mother dearest is going to think she was on the right track all along. "Beat out the weird" "You're ****ing useless" "I wanted a normal daughter" "I can't stand you, get out my house and don't ****ing come back"
I want to have honest friends. Is that too much to ask??? I put so much into my friendships, I only need a few, so to find out one of my "closest" friend has been making **** up about being abused at home, especially after everything I've told her about my upbringing, it's very much like being stabbed in the back, and I want to tackle off her whatever she used to stab me with and get her back tenfold.
I'm angry that I vanish. That one moment I'm there and the next I'm nothing. I don't exist as far as many are concerned.
Yesterday I got freaked out by a spinning chair. Because it wasn't really spinning, but it was, and then having to try and ignore that bastard voice, and then today I get told they don't think it's worth me pursuing a diagnosis.
I'm fed up and tired and I can't get a job, and I'm **** scared of an interview for college I have in a few days, and I have no idea how ESA works and if I'm even gonna get paid and I have no money and owe my parents rent and I've been waiting for what feels like forever to get an appoinment with a counsellor.... when that finally happens I'll end up spending the first half hour just screaming at them.
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