i have the weirdest thought that this whole time i was "recovering". I WASNT.
i honestly thought i was. but how do i go from that to this? what if all that time....i was just biding my time.
suicides happen alot when no one knows a person even had problems. what if in this sick sick sick head of mine....i wanted to appear happy and hopeful just so i could do it when i had the chance.
i want to cut right now so bad it hurts. but kelly told me today how much it hurt her so im not going to. i already know your response...how hurt do you think she'll be when youre dead??? answer is terribly.
this is what makes me so horrible is that im planning my death even though i know it wil shatter the ones around me. how can i do that? ive been affected by suicides...i know how it feels but am still willing to go that far. the place we never come back from.
im blabbing bullshit now. and i feel really stupid now when i come here because obviously most of you are educated and speak well...plus you all give details and things that would help a poster reply...but not me. i feel so ****ing stupid.
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