I enjoyed this, it is very well written and original. Will there be more parts?
Although I must say, the paragraphing makes it very difficult to read and you seem to change from past tense to present tense every so often with no reason why. So looking on how you could improve it, I would stick to that for now, proof-read and sort out the paragraphs :) People would be much more inclined to read it if it's well laid out.
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