It sounds like there's something you really need to let out but you can't see any way of doing it.
Do you think you're pretending so that you can protect yourself from feeling hurt? Or some other reason.
Pretending takes up a huge amount of energy, and you can't keep doing it forever. Like Mikey suggested, find somewhere where you feel safe and try to talk or write about what's underneath all the pretence, even if at first you can't share it, just writing it for you might be helpful.
pm me if you want.
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