This last month has been hell on earth but then again I cant remember a time it hasn't been. I have bipolar 1, borderline personality disorder, ptsd, self harmer, and anorexic. I have posted in here more times than I can count and each time I wait for anyone to respond just to know I was heard. My therapist had put me on some extra meds two weeks ago and last week we went up again. I had two days of feeling better. Now my soul is in shreds, my heart in pieces screaming in pain, my mind a battlefield with nowhere to hide. I just started having new flashbacks. Just bits and pieces like before. The memories and the flashbacks I already deal with are killing me and now this. I rarely slept even an hour and my therapist gave me a sleep med. It helped the first night and then I found myself after a couple of hours sleep bolting upright scared and not feeling right but not knowing why. This last week mainly the last three days have been nothing but pain and chaos. My soul is being ripped to shreds again, my heart in pieces crying in pain and me barely able to breath. Im going in my office and harming. Im harming a lot and at a much more dangerous level. I tried when I first started doing the harming worse to reach out to everyone for help but I kept hitting brick walls. My great state doesnt admit you for harming. They just stitch you up or amputate and send you home to see your therapist as soon as possible. Where does that leave me. Im not even waiting for my wounds to heal anymore. I just harm right over them. When I do sleep now I wake up and I am hitting myself so hard I already have huge bruises on my legs. I know it must be someone in my dreams I am fighting but I have no memory. I was suppose to go to therapy at 10 am this morning. I canceled. I know I should have went but sometimes I have to regroup. The confusion and the pain and the harming would only confuse her and its not like she will put me in the hospital which i feel i need to be. i would have to lie and say im planning suicide. i cant do that because im not and dont even think about it. They would be working on the wrong problem. Work on my demons monsters and nightmares. Help me I plead and beg. If there is a God in heaven please help me. Tell me whats wrong with me and ill fix it. Tell me why I am bad and i will make myself good. Please take away my pain if only for a bit and i will never ask for anything more. Find me a dr out there with a miracle cure to save me because i cant save myself alone. I am a harmer and I am not safe right now and most likely not tomorrow either. I am not proud of it. Its my only time i get just a small bit of relief. You would be suprised what that means to a harmer. theres no pill out there to fix us. All coping skills have failed with me. Am i alone?
