I forgot to touch on one emotion. Anger. I'm suppose to be mad at my parents right. I can't. Instead I look in the mirror and beg the reflection to tell me whats wrong with me. If it would only tell me I would fix it. I never get an answer. So I ask myself through out my days whats wrong with me why am I so bad. I look at other people and try to see what they are like so maybe I will be right. Who am I What do I want What makes me happy What brings tears of joy to me? I don't know. I merely exist in search of answers beyond my understanding. My gf tells me theres nobody else on earth like me. She says I am the most loving caring giving person on this earth. I hear those words but I dont believe them. I believe in a higher being and i pray so hard. It seems I always ask for forgiveness for my sins because I believe thats all I do. I pray for him to tell me whats wrong and Ill fix myself. I beg please help me. Where is this anger i should be feeling towards the ones who hurt me so? It's nowhere because my heart still just wants them to love me. My heart would let them do anything to me just if they would love me. I just want to be loved. I want a family. I want to belong. I don't want to be the mistake my parents told me I was every single day of my life. I want to know why I am a mistake. If there isn't anything wrong with me why does my ex husband (abuser also) get my childrens love and my children wont even talk to me. I'm not asking anyone here to answer these questions. i guess typing them I am trying to answer them myself. I know what I am going to do when I get thru with this. Im not preplanning it and I dont want to do it. Is there a word beyond pain?hurt? heartbroken? Is there a escape from your own mind? I only know of one. The rules say dont make it sound cool or glamourous. I ask myself how in the hell is this either. Its a lot of things but anything related to nice pretty and glamourous its not. Our pain is real. Our feelings are real. We come together and talk because for a while it makes us feel better. Sometimes it even stops us from harming. Sometimes it is just wanting to let people know this happened to me. There are people out there in the world that can do those kinds of things do those kinds of things to their own children. Every one of us a different reason but not one of us will claim it to be anything close to pretty. Ill be thinking about all of you in this community tonight. Stay safe and thank you for always giving me a place to have a voice. I try not to break rules and if I am I am so sorry. i dont want to trigger anyone either. I couldn't live with myself if I knew I had done that. I hurt me not others. I would never hurt anyone.
