The stress of being perfect is one of the reasons I started SH too, all the pressure my parents put on me, all the times they make me feel like I disappoint them everyday, when they look at me with disgust, when they tell me that if I don't become successful in life they'll kick me out and never speak to me again, that if I try to escape their control my dad will kill me.
You should never live your life on someone's expectations. Everyone is different and has different dreams and a different story. Who expects you to wear a mask? Just people who don't care about you will want you not to be yourself; if someone really loves you, they accept you for who you are.
About the abuse, don't you have anyone else you could speak to in person? Or maybe post it here if you have never told anyone but that "friend"? We could support you, and speaking about it helps most of the times.
Try slowly to let go of the mask you're wearing, let the real yourself come out day by day, you'll see who still stays with you cause they love you for you and who goes away cause they loved the person you aren't. As you said, you can't go on like this, so give it a change, I know it's hard but you can do it.
About the SH, try to throw away all the tools you use and leave just the smaller one, so to be less triggered but still not to feel completely lost if you suddenly stop SH. You have to do it slowly, it will take time but hopefully it will help.
PM if you need anything, I'm always here to listen *hugs*
Take care x
|