[Zurg]

　
Sometimes,amidst all the drinks and pills and wounds, i dare to dream of love. Not the sick and twisted love but the true thing. Not the kind of love that leaves bruises on your skin and soul like the last time. The other kind of love. The good kind of love. The kind of love that makes you want to keep going. To live another day. I dream of this sometimes. Just for a few minutes. Just long enough to forget how much it hurts. How much i have been hated. How alone i am.

I seek it here. And there. And everywhere. But no. It has not come to me yet. Maybe it never will. Each passing day time gets shorter. One minute, one hour, one day closer to the end. And nothing. So i'm losing hope. Losing sight of goodness. Wondering if i really am gonna die as lonely as i feel..... It doesn't hurt as much as i thought it would. Or maybe i'm growing older and colder. Who knows???? I certainly don't.

So sometimes i dream of love. I dream of meeting someone like myself. Someone who won't be afraid to see me, really SEE me. Not afraid to feel me. To hurt with me, scream with me and cry with me. Someone who can see past the wounds and scars and not run away in fear. Someone i can love and allow to love me. Because it won't be easy. And it's gonna hurt. It's really, really gonna hurt. But hope is born the moment i am not alone anymore. To find myself in someone else. A rare gift. To find the someone who will lead me home. I dare to dream of this.

But alas, nothing. I am not pretty. I am not happy. I'm hard to look at and impossible to feel. When people look at me they are reminded how cruel the world can be. Wounded and scarred by a lifetime of pain. It's not a pretty sight. So they look away. I see them look away. Some in fear, some in pain. It's like my pain is contagious. It pours out of my eyes as it pours out of my wounds. It can hurt to look at me. I don't like looking at me...... Why should anyone else?????

I'd really like to be like the girls in the magazines. Skinny, pretty and interesting. And no scars and wounds. A perfect body. A perfect mind. Bliss. Just for ONE day i'd like to be one of those girls. Someone that people like to look at. And not turn away in fear. Not be reminded of the pain.

But i carry my pain on my skin. And in my eyes. The wars i fought, they took place on my skin. My blood turned to poison. My eyes pouring with sorrow.

THat is not a nice image. Not a perfect person. Someone hurt and lonely and longing for the kind of love that could make the pain subside. To find someone who can look at me and not turn away in fear. Someone who can bear to be with me and not crumble. Someone strong. Someone who KNOWS. Someone who can help me repair the damage that was done to me. By hatred. BY fear. BY countless misunderstandings. I don't want to be alone anymore.

I need you to come and find me. I have been alone for so long. I keep stumbling through the abyss but i'm losing strength. Don't know how long i can keep going. If you are out there i really need you to find me..... I need your help. I need your love. I need you to stop the noise......