Thanks, Dollpart :)
I'm struggling again. I overslept today and was an hour late for work. It was a huge ordeal because I had to call my office and the school to let them know I was running late. I am just so pissed at myself. My first month with this job and I'm already ****ing up. I mean, it's not a HUGE deal as long as it doesn't happen often, but to me it's nothing but bullshit. I feel like a joke. What the hell am I doing here? I'm supposed to be an adult, I'm supposed to be better. I have been doing so well for a year and now I feel like I'm creeping back to where I was. I feel depressed and anxious and scared. I have no confidence. How can I help people when I don't even think I can? When I'm afraid to act like a normal person and talk to people with confidence? My friend keeps telling me that it will pass...that it's just the new job stress. She thinks I'll find my confidence soon. Maybe she's right...but I'm sick of making an ass of myself. I don't expect it to be easy, but I don't even enjoy this. At all. I feel like this job is so not right for me. I love helping people, I do it all the time, but this feels different. Maybe because it's work...but even so, I just feel so out of character all the time. I don't like it.
Anyway...I cut today. This month it will be a year since I quit. I felt good about quitting. I thought "I can't imagine ever cutting again". I was in a good place. I was able to see everything clearly. And now, I don't know where I am. Or what I'm doing. I can't let myself run away from this job. I have to stick it out for a few months.
I'm constantly arguing with myself. I am so pissed off that I am here again. I'm pissed off that I'm feeling this way, and that I'm even THINKING about letting my *irrational* thoughts and feelings control me again.
Sorry about the ranting and rambling! Thanks for reading.
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