Even my therapist agrees that the depression is getting worse. I know stuff that would help...but It's not even worth the mentioning. It won't happen. My "brother" is worried to. And he takes things in stride so that says something. I found a new tool. I want to hide. I hate where I see life going. I can't see life without depression. In two months I've been diagnosed with three different types of depression. Each one is more severe...
I've given up...so far. I hang on because of a friend and my horse and my doggie. Without them...I'd be gone. But two depend on me...and one I wouldn't want to hurt for anything in the world. But then there are the people I want to hurt and make how I feel clear, enough that I'd kill myself to get the point across. I never was a mean person. But I see myself getting nastier. In that I'll do something to hurt someone emotionally. If they hurt me now...i'm more likely to get up off my butt and fight it than just let it slide. I've let it slide for years now. 7 to be honest...
I'm just so done with all this s***
Oh and as for God, I've been raised in a Christian home....I get that he's there...But I see Him in my life like a deist. He's not there for me...because I'm so f-ed up he doesn't give a d***. I see him do great things in the lives of other people. I think he's there and powerful in their lives. But He's not there for me.
I hate my parents. But not in that typical teen way. I hate their guts...So much. For every reason...I don't trust them. And I don't care that we don't trust each other. I'm never going to trust them. I don't care that they say that they love me. It's bs. And I don't want their love. I don't want forced, hypocritical love. They love me because of what I can do. I can land us in the news paper. I can ace the crap out of any standardized test. But I don't give a s*** about that. I do it to avoid their b****ing. hate it hate it hate it.
I go to school and act all normal. I'm one of those "model students" cover the scars. Say yes ma'am. But what do you expect my mom taught for 6 years at my elementary school. I was screwed over if I got below and 85. Which was rare but the teachers felt free to call my dad and tell my mom if I did the littlest thing wrong. Never in my life have I gotten a demerit. I'm serving my first detention ever next week. It's for tardies in the morning (getting to school late (I don't drive...)). and I'm a sophomore. I've skipped a grade.
I'm out of things to give them and out of was to calm myself down. I have these terrifying mental breakdowns. I can't sleep. None of my meds work anymore. NONE! I'm tired of all this and I feel like a whining ***** or the like. And for that I'm sorry...but I can't think strait right now...
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