[~phoenix~]

I feel like everything I've ever known about my childhood has been turned on it's head.

A couple of years back, I traced my biological mother. It now feels like that was the biggest mistake of my life. How I misjudged things so badly, I'll never know.

It took me until June last year to agree to meet her. She had continually lied to me; mainly about the reasons for my adoption. But I felt the need to meet my sisters.

Three months ago, my youngest biological sister was taken into care. The older two had already moved out. The youngest had not long beforehand given bith to a baby boy. We've since found out that the father was my biological mother's boyfriend's. He's since been arrested. My biological mother is still "in a relationship" with him, although she has since disappeared to Leeds. After she officially moved out, the eldest of my younger sisters took responsibility for moving the rest of the biological mother's stuff out of the house. In the process, she came accross my adoption papers, and the reports from social services.

My adoptive parents had always told me that I was adopted because my mother didn't know how to care for me. However, they never mentioned anymore about it, despite my best efforts to find out what had gone wrong. I spent my teenage years suspecting that my biological mother may have lost me unfairly, and had just needed a little more help and support. What a ****, hey?

My sister phoned me two days ago, to ask if I wanted to read the reports. It was the only way I would find out the truth; knowing what was on those papers. I asked her to read the papers out to me, as I was unsure I could face them physically.

Among these papers were reports from social services, from where people had informed them of the conditions I was living in. My mother had been putting out cigarettes on the carpet, not cleaning or tidying up, sometimes not feeding me. Several statements commented on how I used to cower in fear from her. I was 2. 2 year old children are not scared of their parents without good reason. Even my grandfather stated that he had serious concerns. I could hear my sister crying as she read out statements. She also found out that a known paedophile had been living in the house shortly before I was put in care. There were statements from nurses at the hosppital that there were marks between my legs, and suspicions of possible sexual abuse. :(

What the hell do I do with this info? It's turned everything I thought I might have known about my mother on it's head. It's eating away at me. I'm not the perfect mother, but I'd never let anyone possibly hurt Darrell. How the hell do I cope with this? It's eating away at me. Every time I look at Daz, I think about how I was younger than him, and going through that. My heads all over the place. It really is.