[Steel Maiden]

Quote:

Originally Posted by PilotVeteran

Thanks Oly. I started today as you know and it went well =] I was nervous and shaky when I had to talk to people but whilst I was mulching (laying down compost) I felt okay. It was nice to be out with nature too. Had a slip up last night with my self harm as I felt I had to prove to certain people I am still strong enough to carry out the tasks if warranted. Have been worried about the possibility of me giving my dad cancer - I'm confused about this and so is my dr but apparently their knowledge is a lot more extensive than what we currently know. Am stressed and anxious about my physical health too :/ I'm just taking things slowly, it is the best way to do things. Will be going in for a half day on monday.

I think I will be starting the clozapine. Got really scared today because the pharmacist said they didn't have the green light on my bloods and I thought there was something seriously wrong with me. Was getting scared I have a dangerous disease like HIV or something. Wanted to leave the gardens early but spoke to one of the tutors and she helped me be rational. Ended up speaking to the duty worker of the EIP (my sw is away so they are sorting it out) and they told me my blood tests were fine its just something about it not being sent to the right place. You know how it goes with the light system red signalling to stop clozapine abruptly etc. Turns out there was light colour at all as the clozapine clinic didn't receive it.

Overall today has been good though. Am trying to take control of this illness and take positive steps forward to look after myself. I've been thinking about everything I have put my family through though and feel really upset. I have caused them so much upset and stress. I was terrible when living at home but I guess I didn't have control over all of it. My relationships with them have improved since moving out.

Thanks for the reply. Sorry for the long update.

I'm glad that your gardening course is going well. Nature can be very therapeutic. Look after yourself and take things easy, but remember that the voices can't hurt your or force you to do anything harmful. I hear Voices a lot whenever its silent, but if I use my screen reader or listen to music, They calm down. Have you ever tried to make up a "contingency plan", i.e. "if the voices say this, than do this" to remind yourself what good things to do when you lose insight. It helps me. I've stuck one on my wall above my laptop.

I hope that you can start the clozapine, but I strongly doubt you have HIV. Are you sexually active? I'm glad that your support team helped you out. Clozapine can be scary stuff, but my textbook and my psych both say its the best drug out there. It could help me but I've got a possible problem with my heart (my resting heart rate is always over 100 and in the gym it sometimes goes to 180 despite me being rather fit), and my psych put me on 450mg last time which was too much for me.

I'm glad that your relationship with your parents has improved, but I know what you mean about feeling guilty. I assaulted my Mum several times and cut her hand open once during psychotic episodes. I think the best thing to remind yourself of is that the stuff you put them through wasn't intentional, and that it was your illness speaking out.

You're welcome. Text me any time.