thank you both very much.
i spoke with my mom today and she said something that ive never thought of.
she said that all these past years that ive been in and out of hospitals, i KNEW i couldnt take care of him. but now that im helping to raise kelly's son ive realized that im now capable but its been 9 years and its too late to bring him back.
she said that she is proud of me because this is a sign of me getting better. it sure doesnt feel that way but it makes sense.
i only slept 2 hours last night. i was on the sofa when kelly turned on the lights to take kaleb to school and when i woke, i saw keith standing in my living room. it wasnt a ghostly figure like ive seen of my father..it was flesh and blood. he was just there smiling . of course he wasnt there...i only thought he was.
ive thought of calling the crisis line just to speak with someone..i dont know what to do. this has consumed me. i broke down completely in front of kelly. i was walking in the kitchen and the internal pain was so bad..i had to just sit in the floor and cry. i honestly have never missed him this much.
i dont know how to feel better. its all too much. i try as hard as i can but no positive results. i keep thinking it will go away but everyday seems the same or worse than the day before.
i dont believe this is part of my illness. i think its simply the worst sadness imaginable.
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