[ashes to ashes]

i have been so up and down these last few days, and honestly i would rather be depressed all the time or happy all the time, i hate this whole up and down crap. right now i hate myself, i feel like crap, and i harmed again....i managed to make it a few days not doing it....but i broke. i just hate this so much, even when i am happy i am still always thinking about harming...i did that even when i went months without it.....
i dont know what point i am trying to make.....i just dont no what to do anymore. hurting myself just seems to be the best option...