it doesnt seem like theres anything wrong with you =) if self harm is a coping mechanism youve used before, then feeling like falling into old patterns when your having a hard times seem rather rational when you think about it.
you should never feel bad about fantasising about something that once helped you during a hard time in your life. if you slow down and think about why you feel this way, and why that triggers thoughts about s/h, it may help you to stop yourself in the future before the urge becomes to strong.
anyways good luck, and i hope you feel better soon. keep safe.
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