[mikey]

I’m bipolar. I have manias which rapidly become psychotic and totally out of control, terribly mixed phases of intense agitation, and deep depressions which are (occasionally) also psychotic.

For years now I have been aware that I have an angel of death and an angel of life.
My angel of death is a young girl who is extremely unwell with anorexia nervosa. I first started seeing her when I was anorexic too. My angel of life is a large white bird. I first saw Him when I was in Liverpool. I had this fantastic (!) idea of stealing a rowing boat and rowing across the river Mersey, but he appeared and it was like I was flying with him – I could feel the excitement, every dive, the joy of flight. He now appears during times of great happiness or contentment, but not necessarily when I’m manic. I also get times where my head ‘pulses’ – my surroundings shift and move away. It’s hard to explain. The closest I can get is that it’s like taking off and landing in rapid succession. It makes me feel sick. Colours, too, change regularly. Sometimes things are just so, incredibly green. Colour becomes so intense.

I’m confused. Are these things real? Are they part of my illness? I’m not religious at all, but both angels are real. I’m sure of it. My confusion is that I see them when I’m not in a ‘mood episode’. I see them when my mood is stable, too. I’m scared my psychiatrist will think I’m mad or delusional. I’m not.

Ick. I really don’t know what I’m asking. I’m just not sure anymore what is real and what is not. The psychosis I have when I’m ill is extreme, to the point where I’m hallucinating extremely strange things, I get mind blanks and get extremely confused. These angels aren’t like that.

I don’t know what to think.

Some of the best decisions of my life have been made when I’m manic. Also some of the worst. I hate having this because of the mixed episodes and the depressions, but in another way I feel privileged. I’ve done and experienced some incredible things. I’ve flown with an angel. I've touched God and felt omnipotence. I have experienced unadulterated joy.

I’m so confused with how to feel about all this.

I’m so sorry if this makes no sense.