It sounds like you're in a lot of pain. I'm sorry things are so difficult for you.
I have PTSD & depression too so I know how awful things can be, living like this. My PTSD went untreated for 5 years too and has only just been recognised. Why were you refused treatment? It's a really great thing you are trying to get help, you deserve it.
What social support do you have? Is there anything that helps contain the flashbacks? Can you speak to a doctor or a therapist about what's going on for you? You deserve support.
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