[bitomato]

What I meant to say to Random Swirls was ; why do you ask?

Once upon a time When I was a student in the UK, I got a crash course in mental health services. Didn't like it much and my GP/psych got really ticked off with how I accessed services. They felt I had too much different inputs as I had created this really intricate support network. But in the end I finished my degree, albeit struggling a bit. However, I forced myself to get through my last year with minimal support to prove a point to the occupational health consultant so I could graduate, but I privately disagreed with their take on how much was too much services. My school was the same, where they were really mean about how much help I required (those guys did not understand mental health diagnoses) so I cut myself off from any support to prove a point. It was a long and lonely final year but I survived.

So where am I. It is a place much like the UK of the 1960s. In terms of mental health services that are free there is only hospital. There is no such thing as community care. I got sick when I was younger and lasted all of a day in hospital before my life was ruined for ever. They broke the law by telling my step parent I was in hospital even though I was an adult and my life has never was the same. My family was afraid of me and thought I couldn't do anything and always lied to my face about believing in me. I only found out the truth when my dad died. And even now I see the consequences of the ignorance in how I am treated- I have to fight for everything.

6 months ago I didn't care about whether I only had the clothes on my back, but since my dad's death I am doing all the things I was never allowed to do because I was the crazy one and never thought I had the right or the inner strength to fight to do- and realised I am good at them. Now I risk losing it all again. Lawyers won't answer my calls, or say don't worry about it- but this is my life. Quality of life is basically going down the toilet because I can't even live in the moment like I used to. Some nights I am paralysed with dread.

So where am I: somewhere west of Hell. Don't forget to write.......