I was feeling like that because I was alone in the house, and everyone was just to busy to talk and I was feeling horrible, ugly and just hopeless... and the thing that my mom found out I self harm by tricking me into thinking she read my diary, which was such an obvious lie, but that second I believed her and now I feel like such an idiot. I lied to her too, I said I haven't cut for 2 months. It's only been 20 (or 21?) days. But I just can't forgive myself for falling into that trap. I always call myself stupid, worthless, ugly, moron, coward and things like that in my mind.. it's like I'm emotionally abusing myself? If that makes sense. And cutting stops that for a little while. Everything else I seem to be able to cope with, except that. It's like I'm afraid of it. Afraid of my own mind. Sometimes it doesn't really seem like it's MY mind.
I probably sound crazy. But I really need to find a way to make that voice shut up. Or just speak less. Or something.
|