You wished you understood what happened? Try thinking about where you were when you felt like this, what time it was, if you were alone, had something triggered you, did you see your 'tool'? Then think back to the days when you self harmed and see if there is anything in common between back then and now. If you are able to isolate a thought a feeling a situation etc which occured back then and now you may find it helpful to either put measures in place to reduce feeling unsafe again or talk to someone about thoughts or feelings and see if you can work through them.
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