RYL Forums - View Single Post - Why is it so hard to do the things that save you? *Graphic*

Gauloises · 03-09-2007, 02:53 PM

I'm trying hard right now to recover my life. I have just emerged from a six-month period of intensive clinical depression during which I lost my job, totally lost control of my weight and eating (I'm a compulsive eater and obese, just so you know), embarked on a massive alcoholic binge that lasted about six weeks, and indulged in some self-harm for the first time in forever.

I honestly thought that this time last year was the last time I would ever put a razor to my skin. Now I have vivid red scars from my left shoulder to my left elbow, from my right knee to my ankle, and have also developed a bad habit of gouging all the skin off the back of my hands with my fingernails, which leaves the most appalling scars even weeks afterwards. Last night in a dream I sliced myself open and watched the blood cover the ground. I don't understand what happens in my head that makes me do this.

My mother got me on to Prozac and for the first time this year I've begun to feel human again. I'm going to work, cutting down on the booze, trying to exercise and eat healthy, and trying not to damage my skin. It's going OK, but I'm exhausted. I know these things will make me feel better, but there's something inside me which seems to block every attempt I make. Even the prozac lies on my bedroom floor for days at a time and I stare at it and just don't take it.

I don't understand why it's so hard to do the things that are good for you, that will make you feel better, that save you. I had therapy for years, I have a family who constantly support and encourage me, I have good friends and housemates and people that love me and who I long to be better for. I have no excuse for acting this way.

What troubles me the most is that I'm going to spend the rest of my life struggling against bad behaviours and habits and feelings. Even if I win most of the time, I don't think the craving to hurt myself in any way I can will ever go away. I'm 24 and my bones ache at the prospect of spending every day fighting an unending battle for the rest of my life.

I don't want to be this person any more.

03-09-2007, 02:53 PM	#1
Gauloises Join Date: Sep 2007 Location: London, UK I am currently:	Why is it so hard to do the things that save you? Graphic I'm trying hard right now to recover my life. I have just emerged from a six-month period of intensive clinical depression during which I lost my job, totally lost control of my weight and eating (I'm a compulsive eater and obese, just so you know), embarked on a massive alcoholic binge that lasted about six weeks, and indulged in some self-harm for the first time in forever. I honestly thought that this time last year was the last time I would ever put a razor to my skin. Now I have vivid red scars from my left shoulder to my left elbow, from my right knee to my ankle, and have also developed a bad habit of gouging all the skin off the back of my hands with my fingernails, which leaves the most appalling scars even weeks afterwards. Last night in a dream I sliced myself open and watched the blood cover the ground. I don't understand what happens in my head that makes me do this. My mother got me on to Prozac and for the first time this year I've begun to feel human again. I'm going to work, cutting down on the booze, trying to exercise and eat healthy, and trying not to damage my skin. It's going OK, but I'm exhausted. I know these things will make me feel better, but there's something inside me which seems to block every attempt I make. Even the prozac lies on my bedroom floor for days at a time and I stare at it and just don't take it. I don't understand why it's so hard to do the things that are good for you, that will make you feel better, that save you. I had therapy for years, I have a family who constantly support and encourage me, I have good friends and housemates and people that love me and who I long to be better for. I have no excuse for acting this way. What troubles me the most is that I'm going to spend the rest of my life struggling against bad behaviours and habits and feelings. Even if I win most of the time, I don't think the craving to hurt myself in any way I can will ever go away. I'm 24 and my bones ache at the prospect of spending every day fighting an unending battle for the rest of my life. I don't want to be this person any more. Last edited by craola : 03-09-2007 at 10:01 PM. Reason: Added graphic label
	I'll strip myself to death as to a bed that longing has been sick for - WS