[~Grace~]

I know and ....oh ****, i know
I just cant or dont want to face upto things
Everything is too painful
I may try to get an appointment tomorrow with my gp
But then i dont want to be stopped
I dont want to be made safe
But, in a strange way, i want him to know
Hes the only one I tell all to
I guess I trust him
I dont have a therapist anymore, I stopped seeing her
Its just me and my doc now, It feels kind of lonely

I guess im scared...
I was counting them today and didnt realise quite how many i had saved
I bet he will be angry with me..i dont do anger
I just want him to listen, so he knows and then let me walk free

things are just so bad here
I love my hubby dearly
But hes putting pressure on me to do things which normal married couples do...but which i dont. Im scared to. Im petrified of that part of the body.
Its our wedding anniversary today and I know what he is hoping for...I just cant....it will feel like being raped all over again

Im not at work and havent been for almost three years. Theyve ''let me go now''..i guess im unemployable

I spend all my benefit money on clothes that i dont wear because I am so ****ing huge I look awful in them...but just for an instant whilst im ordering it makes me feel happy....is it really worth it?

and now hes just caught me pouring a huge drink alcoholic drink...something else that brings a very short term happiness

I just cant live with all of this crap piling up on me
im in debt
i drink to excess
im bulimic(non purging)
im married and refuse to have sex

and do you know what??

My life consists of going to bed at 10pm...sleeping til 2pm the next day and spending my awake hours on the sofa

Life is **** and i can hear you saying ''well change it''....well I cant
I dont have the want, the motivation or the ebnergy to

I hate being awake...I hate living my awake hours...I would rather sleep all the time and never wake up to face all the crap

....and thats what i plan to do