Hi,
First of all, you are totally not being ridiculous. It sounds like you are really struggling with this, and you are not alone.
I think they best way to solve this problem is to figure out why it is happening. Is the issue related to your body image and wanting to lose weight, or is it related to an actual fear of food for other reasons?
Just because you are not diagnosed with an eating disorder doesn't mean that you are not struggling with one or heading towards one. This is something you should definitely discuss with your therapist (or if you don't have one, PCP).
This obviously isn't easy for you emotionally to go through, but continuing to eat this way is also very dangerous towards your health. Your body will become malnourished if you do not give it the nutrients it needs, and eventually, your body will be eating other organs for energy and that can be permanent and even fatal. It's so important that you try to fight this and get the support you need. Living with an ED is no fun, you deserve so much better!
I'm here if you want to talk *hugs*
Jess x
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